Book Review-The Friday Night Knitting Club

*Careful! This may contain spoilers*

I recently read the book The Friday Night Knitting Club. I borrow the book from Ann which she received for Christmas. The Book is written by Kate Jacobs.

The book centers around Georgia Walker, owner of Walker and Daughter, a New York City yarn shop. Georgia is a single mother to a pre-teenage daughter Dakota. Having had her heart broken by Dakota’s father James while still pregnant, Georgia was left to find her own way to make a living and support her family. In comes Anita, a spunky, confident, wealthy widow in her seventies who not only helps Georgia start her business, but also works at the yarn shop to keep herself busy after the death of her husband. One day Anita suggests to a regular customer that she could take a seat in the shop and do some knitting. Quickly joined by Dakota (who not only is an accomplished knitter at the young age of twelve, but also an entrepreneur like her mom) Darwin, K.C and Peri and the Friday Night Knitting Club is born.




Overall, I did enjoy the book. The title drew me into the book as once. Although the book is more about relationships then knitting. Although, they did meet every Friday for the club, a lot of them talked more then they knitted. At one point the club starts to make sweaters and it makes me want to make one as well. Although I'm nervous about making something that fits on my body. My luck, my sweater will end up like Darwin's. While I said I enjoy the book, the ending made me mad. After a certain point I didn't want to read the last chapter. I don't know what lesson Kate Jacobs was trying to get across with it, but it made me very mad about it. The only reason I finished the book was because I called Ann and she told me I had to. I was hoping the book would have some great finish but I was disappointed in it. It lacked.

I would still recommend the book for others.

Overall, I give this 1 1/2 out of 5 stars.

What kind of knitter?

You appear to be a Knitting Guru. You love knitting and do it all the time. While finishing a piece is the plan, you still love the process, and can't imagine a day going by without giving some time to your yarn. Packing for vacation involves leaving ample space for the stash and supplies. It can be hard to tell where the yarn ends and you begin.
http://marniemaclean.com

Knitting Quiz

Have you knit….

Afghan - No

I-cord - No

Garter stitch - Yes

Knitting with metal wire -No

Shawl - No

Stockinette stitch - yes

Socks: top-down - yes

Socks: toe-up - No

Knitting with camel yarn -No

Mittens: Cuff-up - No

Mittens: Tip-down - no

Hat - yes

Knitting with silk a fine strand with wool for socks - No

Moebius band knitting - No

Participating in a KAL -No

Sweater - No

Drop stitch patterns - Yes

Knitting with recycled/secondhand yarn - Yes

Slip stitch patterns - Yes

Knitting with banana fiber yarn - hmmm, no

Twisted stitch patterns - Yes

Knitting with bamboo yarn - yes

Charity knitting - Yes

Knitting with soy yarn - no

Cardigan - no

Toy/doll clothing - No

Baby items - Yes

Knitting with your own handspun yarn - no

Slippers - no

Designing knitted garments - no

Cable stitch patterns - Yes

Lace patterns - no

Publishing a knitting book - Yeah, um, no!

Scarf - Yes

Teaching a child to knit - Yes

Knitting to make money - No

Buttonholes - Yes

Knitting with alpaca - No

Fair Isle knitting - no

Dying with plant colors - No

Knitting items for a wedding - no

Household items (dishcloths, washcloths, tea cosies…) - Yes

Knitting socks (or other small tubular items) - Yes

Knitting with someone else’s handspun yarn -no

Holiday related knitting - yep, Christmas presents a

Teaching a male how to knit - yes but he didn't continue

Bobbles - nope

Knitting for a living - no, i wish

Knitting with cotton - no

Knitting smocking - no

Dying yarn - no but want to

Knitting art - Hmmmm, I don’t think so

Fulling/felting - Yes

Knitting with wool - Yes

Textured knitting - yes

Kitchener stitch - Yes

Purses/bags - gosh yes, love bags!

Knitting with beads -no

Swatching - np

Long Tail CO - Yes- I love it

Knitting and purling backwards - nope

Knitting with self patterning/self striping/variegated yarn - yes, yummy

Stuffed toys - YES! My favorite

Knitting with cashmere (mmm, cashmere!) - no

Darning - no

Jewelry - No.

Knitting with synthetic yarn - Yes.

Writing a pattern - yes

Gloves mittens are warmer! - is this a question?

Intarsia - no

Knitting with linen - no

Knitting for preemies - yes

Short rows - Yes

Cuffs/fingerless mits/armwarmers - yes

Pillows - no

Knitting a pattern from an online knitting magazine - oh yeah!

Rug - no

Knitting on a loom - No

Knitting a gift - yes

Knitting for a pet? - no

Shrug/bolero/poncho - no

Knitting with dog/cat hair accidentally or on purpose? -ranger hair

Hair accessories -no

Knitting in public - Every single day of my life (when I'm not in school)

Knitting with buffalo yarn - no.

Knitting with pygora - no

Dyeing with food dye/drink mixes - no

Dyeing with chemical dyes (acid, etc) - no

I did a memory kit on knitting and used these comics in it

This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach <Anspach@aol.com>. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

---

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

How to really survive a horror movie.

There are a lot of guides out there that tell you how to survive a horror movie--hell, the movie Scream even lists a few. But are you really going to trust a horror movie to tell you how to survive... itself? I don't think so. The truth is, none of these lists give you all the facts that you need; at best they give you a minimal amount of information to comfort you by telling you want you want to hear. Not me, though. I'm here to give you the real inside scoop. Supposing you find yourself in a horror movie someday (which is unlikely, unless you happen to be double-crossed in a deal with the Devil himself, or you're an extra, in which case you're screwed), this list will actually help you survive rather than provide you with a bunch of quippy sound bites you can dish out before you are stabbed to death.

So ignore all those other lists. They will not aid you. Here are the facts that will actually help you see the light of another day.

1. Never go off by yourself.
Unless you are going to the bathroom. And make sure that every trip to the bathroom involves a Number Two, or at least a very convincing series of farts if you can't muster up the real deal. The killer/monster/evil force will avoid killing you on the can, because it's just awkward and the camera really doesn't want to show you in the middle of smashing one out (Note: obviously if you are fighting toilet based monsters like Ghoulies, ignore this).

2. Don't be the only minority.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you are the only minority in your group of survivors, you'd damn best find another person who fits the bill (preferably someone who's even more of a minority than you) pretty fast. (Note: you are exempt from this rule if your name is Keith David).

3. Always make sure you are the second-best looking person (of your sex) there.
If you are the best-looking person there, you are dead meat, unless you give yourself some kind of horrific facial scar, in which case you may have a fighting chance if the scar makes you look "hard". If you're the ugliest person, there's really no hope for you unless you attract someone uglier to your survivor party. And if you're just average, you'd better arrange some kind of "accident" for those between you and numeral uno, or you're as good as cannon fodder.

4. Do not be the comic relief.
Unless of course you can create just the right balance between humorous and indestructible, like Ash from the Evil Dead films. Be aware that striking this balance however is almost impossible. If you don't have at least a size 9 chin (measured using the North American Chin Sizing Chart), do not even attempt this.

5. Never say "I'll be back".
Unless you say it like Arnold Schwarzenegger (and if you are Arnold Schwarzenegger).

6. Don't have sex.
Horror film research shows that if you have sex, you will be killed in the middle of the act. However, if you engage in the extremely kinky kind of sex that makes others uncomfortable (like that involving a blow torch, a stuffed chihuahua and a bucket of clams), you will probably be okay, because whatever is trying to kill you doesn't want to walk in on that shit either (Note: you must be able to keep this up for the duration of the movie).

7. Always run up the stairs.
Trapping yourself in a corner seems to run counter to logic, but more often than not it's the people who run for the door leading outside who end up suffering a grisly, horrible death, while the idiot who runs away from the obvious escape route manages to survive. This is because the movie has to maintain a certain amount of heightened tension--if you're too smart and escape too easily, the movie doesn't like that.

8. Be in the military.
In a horror movie, if you're in any branch of the military at all, whatever rank you happen to be, you will be equipped with a variety of survival skills--a "jack-of-all-trades", if you will. Chances are you'll possess knowledge of at least all of the following: first aid, piloting, bomb disarming, engineering, heavy vehicle operation, moving silently, trap setting, alien linguistics, and clever quips while operating a firearm.

9. Always listen to crazy bums.
If you run into a crazy bum prattling on drunkenly about the supposedly haunted house that you just moved into, or a wild-eyed street person grabs your arm and speaks prophetic words of doom through rotted, crooked teeth, every single thing that they say is true, and you would do well to heed their advice (Note: do not heed their advice if all they say is "yer gonna die!" or something like that).

10. Don't be an asshole.
You can get away with being a bit snarky, but if you're an outright asshole, your number is up (doubly so if your name is Chet). Especially avoid being cruel to women, children, or animals, because then the audience will really look forward to seeing you receive your comeuppance later.

11. Avoid mythical creatures.
If some creepy, short, ugly mythical creature wearing lots of prosthetics approaches and tries to speak with you, DO NOT engage it in conversation, and if speaking to it is unavoidable, never say anything that can be construed as a wish. The correct response when encountering such a creature is to kick or hit it in the head with a pipe and run away.

12. Never investigate a mysterious noise.
You're going to discover it was just the cat, but there's also a 50% chance you're going to die within two minutes of making that discovery.

13. Always be aware of your companions' behavior.
If your fellow survivor was just fighting zombies and they insist that "Noooooo, of course I wasn't bitten!" while glancing around all shifty-eyed and nervously biting their lip, don't be afraid to demand a strip search. Sure, you may feel awkward about it, but you'll feel even more awkward when they're gnawing into your shoulder.

14. Don't be a virgin.
If you are a virgin, you're screwed (and I don't mean in the "Yay, I'm not a virgin anymore!" sense). Don't even think for a minute that if you just don't tell anyone that you're a virgin you'll be okay. The monsters always know. Always. So if you're a virgin at the start of the movie, you'd best lose that virginity pretty damn fast (See also "6. Don't have sex").

15. Do not take a shower.
Seriously, just don't. If there's a shower curtain, there's absolutely no chance that you won't pull it back to reveal a crazed knife-wielding killer. In fact, it's best if you don't bathe at all for the entire course of the movie. The resulting stench will drive everything else away, and though it will allow monsters with superior olfactory senses to pinpoint your exact location with ease, it will also encourage them to avoid you that much more (Note: this tactic does not work against undead, or crazed street bums).

16. Don't be overly sentimental.
If you feel overwhelmingly compelled to recite poetry for your girlfriend telling her how beautiful she is or perform love songs on your guitar, you had damn best resist that urge for the course of the movie, or you will probably be the most tempting target of all. Seriously, killing your type of character is like black tar heroin to movie monsters.

17. Do not allow your band of survivors to split up.
If an argument about your present course ensues (and if you are in a zombie movie, this is inevitable), where one person disagrees with your survival plan and decides they are going to take whoever is willing and split off to do their own thing, you must kill that person immediately. You must brook no dissent, because as soon as that jackass opens that basement door to leave, your secured position is as good as gone and the horde will come rushing in.

18. Never check to see if something you just killed is really dead.
Trust me, it's a trick. Get an axe.

19. Never film things with a handheld movie camera.
You're only asking for a dramatic death scene where the camera falls to the ground and records only the grisly sounds of your terrible, terrible death before the face of your mauled, unblinking corpse falls directly into the frame.

20. Never go up to a strange house and ask to use the phone if your car breaks down.
If your car breaks down on a stormy night, never go up to that dark, creepy house on the corner illuminated by flashes of lightning and ask to use their phone. Seriously, we live in the age of cell phones now, so there's really no excuse for that. Just call AAA and wait in the car.

21. Don't watch any unlabelled video tapes.
If you're staying in a stranger's house and you find a mysterious unmarked tape in their movie collection, just leave it alone. Trust me, it's not a homemade porno, so don't bother. Come to think of it, even if it is a homemade porno, do you really want to watch that shit?

22. Avoid any creepy dolls or toys.
If your child just found a creepy-looking doll in the attic or basement of the house you just moved into, you need to get rid of it. But don't burn it! That will only make it angry. Give it to some other neighborhood child, and now it's their fucking problem.

23. Don't get drunk, high, or otherwise fucked-up.
This one's a no-brainer. You don't want to impair yourself if there's a crazed killer or evil monster running around. Even if you're in a bar and you are fooled by the illusion of safety in numbers, don't do it. That bar will only become a charnel house of death, and you won't be able to get away fast enough.

24. Don't live in, go to, or even talk about Maine.
Seriously. Every town, city, village and hamlet in that god-forsaken state has been in a Stephen King story by now.

25. Never take a shortcut.
Take it from me, that shortcut you plan on taking through that meat-packing plant or graveyard to evade the monster is not going to turn out well. Just run in as straight a line as possible.

Okay, obviously these aren't all the ways to survive a horror movie, but it's a good start, and it's not like I don't have other things to do. If you find yourself in a situation not on this list, well, you're on your own. But perhaps I'll do another list next year. In the meantime, just watch your back (oh, that's a good one!

26. Watch your back), because you never know where evil creatures that want to make you very dead just may be lurking.